A LITTLE MORE ABOUT ME

Since I can remember, I’ve always asked the deeper questions and have searched for truth. Why am I here? What is the meaning of all of this? Surely there is more to this reality than meets the eye? What is wrong with me and why can’t I just be happy?

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This also stemmed from being, in many moments in time, deeply depressed and filled with anxiety and fear. 

 

I tried to find my answers in many places. Initially during my teenage years, I loved sports and music. When I played them I would be brought into the present moment and I was given windows out of the life that I wanted to escape, even from a young age. I was very competitive and talented, which didn’t always work out for me. In the end, until recently, I lost my enjoyment in these things, as they became burdensome. Nothing was ever good enough for my parents, and my distorted emotions now seeped through into these activities. I was attempting to be good enough to go professional with tennis, but I was riddled with injuries and it just wasn’t fun anymore with all the pressure and intense friction with my parents. 

 

Also, I at 16, I realised that I could start exploring the world of partying, and tournaments every weekend would hamper my social life which I was quite desperate to build. I was an only child (aside from two half-brothers who were 30 years older than me) so this was very important to me, to start building a social life and exploring the social scene in ways I hadn’t before- ways I thought would make me happy. But, really, I was just getting over the top drunk, smoking cigarettes and weed, and either being extremely co-dependent with my boyfriend or trying to find another one. 

 

All of this was built out of a place of deep loneliness, insecurity, and unhappiness. I was in a dark place and back then, counselling wasn’t in my reality. I felt like no one could understand or help me, and I didn’t know how to help myself. I was just finding ways and means to cope, but I was living in a reality of victimhood, self abuse, on many levels, alcohol, eating disorders, self hate, promiscuity, etc.

 

Fast forward to university, I continued to seek an answer to solving my troubles and I chose to study Philosophy, some of my answers could be there, surely?

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I had managed to excel in my A levels, and found that diving into my studies gave me some level of purpose and relief from my pains. I travelled to many countries in my gap year, including one of the most nourishing times in my life where I volunteered at an orphanage school in Ja Ella in Sri Lanka. Spending time with the children was an unforgettable experience. And in my future I wish for more of this, spreading my knowledge and influence, and in turn, to receive the joy and pleasure of being with children!

 

I returned from my gap year when I was 20, having split up with my long term boyfriend, to have my parent’s sit me down and tell me that my father had terminal stage 4 lung cancer and he was given 6 months to live. This was an extremely tough blow, which caused me to further spiral into depression and my own ways of self harming. I went to university but I didn’t eat. Weeks passed and I just stayed in my room running out of energy. I did manage to make some friends in my halls, and I had moments of escape which involved drinking, smoking and taking drugs, partying. Some relationships kept me going, I think by the time my dad passed I was doing counselling, but it was fairly cold, and I was just broken. I was also still grieving my ex boyfriend who meanwhile was dating other women in London, but would occasionally text me back, and my self worth was down the drain.

 

It wasn’t until I had a car crash that I felt like something shifted for me. I was driving back from spending some time with my dad, who at this time was very unwell and months away from his death, I’m not sure if it was the overnight I spent with him doing chemotherapy or another time, but it wasn’t easy seeing him. The weather was poor, it was dark, perhaps November and I was on a time crunch travel from Birmingham to Nottingham in my car to meet some friends for dinner. I was on the motorway doing about 70mph. I indicated and attempted to turn into the middle lane from the slow lane, but someone came speeding from the fast lane into the middle lane with no indication of a lane switch. It came out of no where and I swerved. I swerved again to correct. I swerved again to correct, and so on until totally lost control. 

 

I remember it vividly, I could not handle the car anymore, any corrections I tried to make just made it worse so in a flash I took my hands off the wheel and put them up in the air, like a surrender sign, and I did, I completely surrendered. “This is it”, I thought, “This is the end, this is how I go”. I went from total terror to total acceptance, almost like a euphoria. After I did that, everything began to move in slow motion, and it was so gracious and beautiful, honestly, majestic. My car continued to slowly spin around and hit the inner barrier of the motorway, the opposite side of the car that I was in, so my car was now facing the oncoming traffic in the fast lane. Luckily, or not so luckily (I believe like a guardian angel of sorts) the person in the car behind had been watching the whole thing and was slowing down the traffic behind from the fast lane so no one would crash into me. This brings tears to me now as I write. He ended up stopping and taking care of me, also stating that the other guy was a lunatic and he saw the whole thing. The other car didn’t stop. The police and rescue team came, my car was delivered home, written off, and life went on. 

 

But I think it was in that moment that something deeper happened to me. Honestly I haven’t reflected on it so much, because it was a lot of shock, and I just kind of brushed it off, I felt good the rest of that evening, but later the whip lash was quite intense and I felt my abusive patterns come back, but I believe it was from this moment that something changed, like there was an expansion in me, that I had shifted in some way that was more significant than what I could process at the time. Like a wake up call, an extreme moment that helped me shake of a negative reality that I was slowly slipping into. A timeline shift.

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It was a few months and then my father passed. A few months after this, I had my next significant awakening moment, whereby I was reading The Power of Now, but Ekhart Tolle, which was required reading for our Buddhist Philopshy module, and I just tapped into a state of bliss. Pure presence. I had never felt this way in my life. Just, being okay, just tapping into this state of brilliance, love, centeredness. After this, I knew that I wanted more and I wanted to discover how to continually bring this into my experience.

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I went on to study Design and Technology for my Masters’ in New York and spent 3 years in the U.S.A.. I worked in the consciousness-tech-healing space in Silicon Valley. I created a meditation experience in Virtual Reality using biofeedback and wanted to develop and offer this to the masses. But I was brought to a halt with many health and emotional issues that stopped me from going further. I was also opening up deeper spaces within myself sitting with Ayahuasca and other shamanic / powerful healing schools and techniques, opening my reality going to Burning Man, and so on. A LOT was going on!!

 

It took me seven years of searching and attempting to heal through various modalities to find the path and answers I had been so desperately been looking for…

 

This came in the form of my teacher Mas Sajady who I have been consistently working with for almost five years now. He has been intrinsic and monumental in my process to becoming who I am today.  Through the work he teaches, Xponential Intelligence, I have been able to find myself, let go of so much pain and sorrow, along with any of my weaknesses that would cause me to suffer. It’s a process of going inwards, lighting your own flame, your own internal brilliance and working on nursing that and yourself, time over time. Observing and deleting patterning in our genetics that do not serve us and stepping into our power as the amazing humans that we really, truly are. Merging our time-less and time-bound selves.

 

Recently, I went to two events Mas hosted, in London and Ibiza. It was in Ibiza I realised that I am ready to step into supporting others and sharing my abilities and knowledge. I had worked in the “healing” world before, but I often found myself drained. After doing Mas’ healing mastery multiple times, and knowing that I am ready for this, here I am, launching my business. And I can’t wait to see what I can learn and how much I can grow through this, and meet and see many people benefit from my work too!

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